My WoW toon, Keiki
It hits me without warning.
I can barely see straight. I can’t think straight.
I can’t think of anything. About anything.
It’s a maddening emptiness. A lack of feeling that only leaves rage in it’s aftermath.
Hours, weeks, days, months of emptiness, save only the wrath. To quote Danny Evans, the “Rage Against the Meshugenah.” The rage against the crazy.
The feeling of being trapped inside my own misery. My jaw clenches. I do my best to swallow the saliva building up as if I’m a rabid dog.
I’m screaming in my own mind. I can’t explain why this is happening to me.
I hate enigmas.
My commute, one of the most relaxing times of my day, is also the worst.
It’s the only time I have completely to myself and my own thoughts, where nobody has anything for me to do or expectations of me.
The frustration hits as I leave work. With nothing to occupy my mind; no kids, no work, no Warcraft.
So I embrace the rage. The only feeling I have.
I feed it. I nurture it. I let it flow through me, just to feel something.
But only for a moment, because screaming like a madman on the streets is frowned upon, even in New York City.
Left with no alternative, I put my ear buds in and turn on my iPod, skipping any song that isn’t in a minor key. I crank it up, drowning out my own inward screaming, knowing that I’m probably going to damage my hearing.
It’s a battle for my mind. My hearing may be a casualty.
It works. As I wait for the bus, I close my eyes and lean my head back against the wall. I let the dark music be my feeling. I let it course through me.
I pray that the battery in my iPod, the only weapon I have in this battle, lasts my commute.
This is my war.
My struggle.
My depression.
Miho,
I can relate because I have felt that same rage so many times. I have learned that even though it may not ease the pain immediately that crying out to Jesus and singing praise songs takes it away. Hebrews 13:5 reaminds us that God will NEVER leave us or Fosake us. Hebrews 13:6 Tells God is our helper. What can man do to me. I know it all sounds so pat and you heard it before but it works. You were made to share yourself with so many people and you do to a point where it tearing you apart cause you feel like can’t do everything. That is where wisdom cames in. Ask God for help and for the wisdom to deal with what is important and what isn’t. I just had to share this becuase you mean a lot to me and I know how alone and desperate you feel. the saying goes been there, done that, have the wounds to prove it. Well, just want you know you are loved and prayed almost everyday.(Hey, I forget sometimes forgive me)
Love Papa
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