Just a few days ago I was able to spend a few hours with an old friend and this short visit was unexpectedly the right medicine for my lack of interest in my life.
Alright, I think a little more background is needed. My diagnosis came back… I have lupus. While my doctors are all optimistic; feeling, knowing that they can help me get into what they hope will be a long remission I honestly haven’t been feeling the same. I allowed myself to fall into an incredibly deep depression and I was having a lot of difficulty finding my way out. I had lost interest in everything that surrounds me, the things that are most important. No matter what anyone said to me I just could shake this feeling of helplessness. During this time that my body is adjusting to treatment I haven’t had any energy and I hate that. I have become a recluse in my home, only leaving in the morning to take Quinlyn to school and in the afternoon to pick her up and if I’m not feeling too bad to Church on Sunday. Even though many people around me have allowed me to use my disease as an excuse it was just that, an excuse… an excuse to, in a sense, die.
I still don’t know what was different. I don’t completely understand why this time I didn’t give some BS when she called me that morning but I am glad that I didn’t. She came through town for a very short time on her way back home after her honeymoon and something inside told me that I had to see her, that I had to meet her husband. I realize now that I was very abrupt in telling them of my diagnosis as if it was part of everyone’s life. I knew that it came as a shock when I saw the look on her face, but for the first time I didn’t see pity, I saw compassion in her eyes. It was comforting to me that the first thing that her husband told me was “We’d like to pray for you before we go.” We spent a wonderful morning and afternoon just talking and seeing Pearl Harbor, it was a great day. After they prayed for me they had to leave to go home. And, although tired, I felt renewed.
These events are what have prompted a change in me. First of all I have finally realized just how low things have gotten. I finally noticed and remembered that even though I have hit a bump in the road I still have a life to live. And with the help of God, my extremely strong husband, my true friends and my family I intend on living it to the fullest. I intend on sharing every moment possible with my children. I want to see them grow and start their own families. I want to share not another ten, twenty or thirty years with my husband but even more. I want to sit with him with grandchildren and share stories of young love. These are the things that are most important to me… and these are the things that I am fighting for.
And to my dear friend, who I hope eventually sees this, thank you. You’ve helped me in so many ways. And I can never fully explain how but I will forever be grateful.