Life, if that’s what you call it

I have had many discussions in my life with friends about love and the true meaning of love. After 26 years I think that I have finally figured it out. It may seem strange to think that it took me 26 years, 7 years of marriage, 3 kids and countless moments of being broken hearted to finally find what it means to me but I think I had a kind of epiphany the other day.

I have always believed that there is no stronger emotion that one can feel in the scope of human nature. So when dealing with something as consuming as love how is it possible that so many “fall out of love”? For that matter how do you “fall in love”? I may be the odd one here but I have never like that term it seems all too fleeting and that is not what, in my opinion, true love is about. By using that kind of phrase it infers that love is something that can come and go. Yes over time love does change and grow just as we do in our relationships but true love shouldn’t ever go away.

I could almost guarantee that some where in the world someone is saying “well I could never forgive him/her if he/she ever did..” But when you love someone isn’t that what you do? (By the way, I am also a strong believer that love and forgiveness go hand in hand, you cannot have one without the other. And by the same token, I also believe that once you forgive, you must forget. Otherwise your only living in the past and that’s not living.)  It seems to me that love has become more like a legal contract with all these different clauses that can get you out guilt free or insure that if you stay you you can serve up a regular heaping helping of guilt for all indiscretions. So, to me, all of this means that in today’s society love has become completely conditional and its full of if-then statements. If party one does… then party two has the option to either leave the relationship or…

Really, is that true love? I don’t talk about religious topics often but here goes… I remember as a child learning about true unconditional love and that was Godly love. Everyone has heard the bible stories and they all basically said that God would forgive you for anything and never stop loving you. So why is it so hard for us to do that? If you truly love someone then it should be unconditional. You should never have an “escape clause”. I fully believe that when you give your love to someone that is something that can never go away no matter what happens in that relationship.

I reached this personal epiphany when talking with George the other night. While talking about the past almost 12 years that I realized that there wasn’t anything that he could ever do that would make me stop loving him. And I have known for many years that he feels the same way about me. That’s when it dawned on me that this was what love should be. Love should be all consuming, unyeilding, forgiving and completely 100% unconditional.

I have a few, OK about a billion, different symptoms that will decide to show themselves randomly through my day. Some of them are easy to deal with and really don’t bother me that much but there are a few that drive me frickin crazy. The constant and unyielding fatigue can go… I mean come on who wants to be tired all the time? I sleep for most of the day and yet I am still exhausted. But the most absolutely annoying one of all is this stupid mental fog that i am in 24/7.

Being a mom, it is an absolute necessity to be clear minded. So when I have trouble remembering if i took my meds or whether or not I forgot to do little things around the house it is a very bad thing. Just a couple of weeks ago i was making breakfast for the kids and nearly had a melt down because I went into the pantry and couldn’t remember what i needed out of there. I understand that memory loss is a symptom of the lupus and apparently my medication doesn’t really help with that but come on. I have to put every little thing in my Blackberry or write it down in order to remember everything. i have always been a fairly level-headed and some what organized person so this is killing me. And no I am not saying that I was perfect but I was better than I am now.

There are times when I am amazed that I am able to manage the finances, buy groceries or do any of the millions of things I have to do during my day without forgetting too many things. Yes there are some things, like laundry, that fall by the wayside sometimes but some how everything eventually gets done. And I have only forgotten about picking up Quinlyn once in the past year, which is one reason she rides the bus this year. I’ve learned that I can’t make it go away but I am learning how to adapt to my condition. Maybe just maybe with a little help I’ll be able to finish my book… who knows?